Famous Magazine Features Celebrities Without Their Make-ups

If you woke up feeling less than incredibly beautiful this morning, get your hands on a copy of this week's Famous. The magazine's "Celeb ugly days" cover story is guaranteed to make you feel like a stunner instantly.

When the mag says that it contains "the photos they [celebs] really didn't want you to see" it is actually telling the truth. The "52 shock pics!" include a parade of angry red pimples (Katie Holmes, Britney Spears, Victoria Beckham, Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz) and a flotilla of fat, in the form of cellulite (the singer Beth Ditto, Heather Locklear and, again, Spears).

The scary pictorial spread features a number of other stars on the verge of looking like dropped meat pies, after being caught without their lippie and mascara. "Call the make-up artist," the magazine implores Jennifer Lopez, Cindy Crawford, Pamela Anderson and Calista Flockhart. Also chastised is Minnie Driver, who must be weeping into her Chanel foundation after being singled out for looking "more truck than driver".

Oh well, at least ugliness is a treatable condition (a coat of paint and anyone can look like a star), which is more than can be said for the other condition gripping celebsville this week.

It's called "carbophobia" and is characterised by a morbid fear of any food item containing carbohydrates. Just a trace of the evil stuff is known to cause intense hallucinations, in which sufferers imagine themselves tipping the scales at 200 kilograms, with their $400 designer jeans only big enough to serve as leg warmers.

A diet special in this week's NW magazine reveals carbophobia's latest victim, Kimberly Stewart (the daughter of Rod Stewart who is now famous in her own right for, err, we'll have to get to back to you on that one).

Discussing her daily food intake with the mag, Stewart reports typical paranoid carbophobia behaviour, such as scooping the soft bread out of bagels.

"Everyone in the US scoops out their bagels, so I do it when I come back to the UK, too. I always think, why do you need that extra bread?" Geez, I dunno. Maybe to stop you collapsing into unconsciousness because you're really, really hungry.

Tom Cruise may not be in danger of starvation but is busy readying himself for a battle of a different kind. According to all of the mags this week, Cruise is the subject of a new unauthorised biography set to hit the shelves in January. It is written by Andrew Morton, the bloke who lifted the lid on the British royal family with his now-infamous biography of Princess Diana. The revelations in the impending book, the mags say, have Cruise shaking in his boots.

The craziest of the bunch is that Katie Holmes, who is now his wife, had to "audition" to be his girlfriend, winning the "role" over other Hollywood starlets such as Jessica Alba Scarlett Johansson and Kate Bosworth. Maybe he had to send the audition tapes to his alien colleagues on, um, Mars or somewhere, for approval.

The book is also expected to reveal the couple's pre-nuptial agreement, which reportedly states that Holmes is entitled to $70 million after one year of marriage, with a further $10 million if she sticks it out for five years. If she suffers Cruise and his paranoia for "life" she gets $600 million. I don't know about the life part, but if Holmes gets sick of him, I'd be happy to fill in for a year or so. For $70 million I'll even fight the aliens with him.

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