LOLA AUGUSTINE BROWN
Even if you've had your share of lovers, awkward moments can still crop up in the sack and throw you for a loop. In today's ever-shifting sexual climate, a Cosmo girl needs advice on how to handle sexual stumbling blocks with unwavering confidence and finesse.
"People don't always remember that manners are important in bed," says Alexa Joy Sherman, coauthor of The Happy Hookup. "Knowing how to deal with any uncomfortable or unexpected twists and turns with a guy will make sex go more smoothly and spare both of you from embarrassment." So read on, because Cosmo is dishing out the sex-etiquette tips you've been asking for. Follow them and your next naughty encounter will be relatively stress free.
Kiss and Tell?
Sure, up to 65 percent of all convo time involves gossip, but it's gauche to dish every postsex detail about you and your man to pals.
Sources: Ian Kerner, Ph.D.; a study by the Social Issues Research Center.
Sex Questions 1-2
"We had sex and he didn't call. How should I handle the situation?"
Waiting for that first postsex phone call can be terribly nerve-tweaking, so save yourself the requisite is-he-or-isn't-he-gonna-call freak-out and give him a ring -- but just one. "There's no shame in calling to tell him that you had a great time," says Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He's Just Not That into You. Some men find it sexy if you call them, especially if they aren't totally convinced that you had a good time. However, most dudes will follow up if they're interested, so if you dial him and he seems distant (or you leave a message and he doesn't return the call), it's a clear sign that he's not planning to pursue things further. But at least now you know.
"I called him the wrong name in bed. How can I make a smooth recovery?"
As crushingly embarrassing (and not just for you) as this situation may seem, it's one carnal faux pas that's easy to fix. It just calls for some serious ego-stroking. Instead of turning it into a melodramatic mea culpa, "just say something like 'God, you were getting me so hot, my mind went a little berserk.' Most guys will be able to bounce back pretty quickly," says sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Be Honest -- You're Not That into Him Either.
Sex Questions 3-5
"How can I ask a guy I'm dating if he's been tested for STDs without scaring him off?"
The STD convo is one every Cosmo chick has to learn to weather. Even if your guy seems totally trustworthy and assures you he's clean, it's perfectly legit to request those test results on paper.
"If he balks, tell him that it has nothing to do with your feelings for him, nor is it a matter of trust," says relationship coach Susan Campbell, Ph.D., author of Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real. "Unfortunately, a lot of people don't even know they have an STD, so explain that it's just something you've decided to ask of all potential partners." Of course, if you ask him to get tested, be prepared to pony up your own results as well.
"Do I have to admit the number of people I've slept with to him?"
Hell, no. "If you're completely healthy -- meaning STD-free after being tested -- and he's aware of that, this is one of those gray areas in communication where you can keep it a little ambiguous," says Sherman. "If you think it's none of his business, say so or be vague and make a joke, like, 'More than Jessica Simpson and fewer than Jenna Jameson.'"
"Should I reveal to someone I'm casually dating that I'm sleeping with someone else?"
You don't have to, but it is the cool thing to do, especially if you expect the same from him. Don't be ashamed about the fact that you have options. "Tell him, 'Right now, I'm enjoying being single, being with you, and not being in a serious relationship,' " suggests Kerner.
If he prickles at the thought of you bedding another dude, tell him that you respect his feelings but that you want to take things slowly and just enjoy where you are right now, says Kerner. Then concentrate on showing him how into him you are. But be prepared: Your revelation could be a deal breaker, so gear up for the fact that he may choose to walk away...and he's entitled to.
Sex Questions 6-8
"What do I do if I mess around with a guy and then he hightails it out of my place at 5am?"
He's probably not going to own up to feeling awkward or regretting having sex with you, but that's most likely his impetus for leaving, says Josey Vogels, author of Bedside Manners: Sex Etiquette Made Easy. So be wary of excuses that don't quite add up. If he feeds you a line as he's dashing off about having to catch up at work, even though it's before sunrise on Sunday morning, or claims he's pet-sitting for his cousin's dog and has to take it for a walk, you'll probably never lay eyes on the dude again. If he does call, however, he's most likely just in it for the sex, says Vogels, so you'll have to decide if you want to keep him around as a boink buddy or just give him the boot.
"How do I turn down a kinky sexual request that skeeves me out without embarrassing him for bringing it up?"
So your idea of totally off-the-charts erotic doesn't exactly mesh with his. Clashing sex styles don't have to be the death knell of your erotic adventures with each other. "Make him feel okay about sharing his fantasy by saying something like, 'It's great that you feel comfortable enough with me to bring that up, but it's really not my thing,' " says Vogels. Once you've made it clear that you aren't interested without making him feel like a superfreak, divert his attention to something that curls your toes and the weird moment will soon be forgotten.
"Is it okay to run to the bathroom after sex to pee or clean up? How long should I wait?"
You may feel compelled to hit the loo as soon as you've finished getting your groove on because you've heard that it's best to pee after sex to avoid getting a UTI, but a lot of guys find it disturbing when you jump off of them like they're the sinking Titanic. So lie back and relax for a few minutes of postcoital cuddling, because you actually have a 30-minute window to pee, according to Jeffrey Klausner, M.D., director of STD Prevention and Control at the San Francisco Department of Public Health.
If a half hour of snuggling is not your thing, wait five or 10 minutes, then pop into the bathroom for a moment to do whatever you need to do. Just don't disappear for eons or dive into the shower for a full-body exfoliation and lather...at least not without inviting him in to soap you up.
Booty-Call Protocol
If you're going to indulge in no-strings-attached nooky, you'd be wise to follow a few rules.
Booty-Call Rule 1: Once a month is enough. When you suggest meeting up more than once every few weeks or so, it will come across as more of an obligation than a friends-with-benefits thing.
Booty-Call Rule 2: Avoid the redial button. If he doesn't answer or call back after you make the first attempt, don't keep hitting redial. He could be sleeping or spending time with someone else...and you're not allowed to mind.
Booty-Call Rule 3: Don't overstay your welcome (or let him overstay his). Sleeping over or brunching can feel awkward when you're just shagging. Stay within your boundaries by skipping the couple-y stuff.
Booty-Call Rule 4: Be honest with yourself. It can be emotionally taxing to have uncommitted sex, so once in a while, have a truthful talk with yourself to make sure you're still okay (really) with the casual encounters.
Sphere: Related Content
Even if you've had your share of lovers, awkward moments can still crop up in the sack and throw you for a loop. In today's ever-shifting sexual climate, a Cosmo girl needs advice on how to handle sexual stumbling blocks with unwavering confidence and finesse.
"People don't always remember that manners are important in bed," says Alexa Joy Sherman, coauthor of The Happy Hookup. "Knowing how to deal with any uncomfortable or unexpected twists and turns with a guy will make sex go more smoothly and spare both of you from embarrassment." So read on, because Cosmo is dishing out the sex-etiquette tips you've been asking for. Follow them and your next naughty encounter will be relatively stress free.
Kiss and Tell?
Sure, up to 65 percent of all convo time involves gossip, but it's gauche to dish every postsex detail about you and your man to pals.
Sources: Ian Kerner, Ph.D.; a study by the Social Issues Research Center.
Sex Questions 1-2
"We had sex and he didn't call. How should I handle the situation?"
Waiting for that first postsex phone call can be terribly nerve-tweaking, so save yourself the requisite is-he-or-isn't-he-gonna-call freak-out and give him a ring -- but just one. "There's no shame in calling to tell him that you had a great time," says Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He's Just Not That into You. Some men find it sexy if you call them, especially if they aren't totally convinced that you had a good time. However, most dudes will follow up if they're interested, so if you dial him and he seems distant (or you leave a message and he doesn't return the call), it's a clear sign that he's not planning to pursue things further. But at least now you know.
"I called him the wrong name in bed. How can I make a smooth recovery?"
As crushingly embarrassing (and not just for you) as this situation may seem, it's one carnal faux pas that's easy to fix. It just calls for some serious ego-stroking. Instead of turning it into a melodramatic mea culpa, "just say something like 'God, you were getting me so hot, my mind went a little berserk.' Most guys will be able to bounce back pretty quickly," says sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Be Honest -- You're Not That into Him Either.
Sex Questions 3-5
"How can I ask a guy I'm dating if he's been tested for STDs without scaring him off?"
The STD convo is one every Cosmo chick has to learn to weather. Even if your guy seems totally trustworthy and assures you he's clean, it's perfectly legit to request those test results on paper.
"If he balks, tell him that it has nothing to do with your feelings for him, nor is it a matter of trust," says relationship coach Susan Campbell, Ph.D., author of Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real. "Unfortunately, a lot of people don't even know they have an STD, so explain that it's just something you've decided to ask of all potential partners." Of course, if you ask him to get tested, be prepared to pony up your own results as well.
"Do I have to admit the number of people I've slept with to him?"
Hell, no. "If you're completely healthy -- meaning STD-free after being tested -- and he's aware of that, this is one of those gray areas in communication where you can keep it a little ambiguous," says Sherman. "If you think it's none of his business, say so or be vague and make a joke, like, 'More than Jessica Simpson and fewer than Jenna Jameson.'"
"Should I reveal to someone I'm casually dating that I'm sleeping with someone else?"
You don't have to, but it is the cool thing to do, especially if you expect the same from him. Don't be ashamed about the fact that you have options. "Tell him, 'Right now, I'm enjoying being single, being with you, and not being in a serious relationship,' " suggests Kerner.
If he prickles at the thought of you bedding another dude, tell him that you respect his feelings but that you want to take things slowly and just enjoy where you are right now, says Kerner. Then concentrate on showing him how into him you are. But be prepared: Your revelation could be a deal breaker, so gear up for the fact that he may choose to walk away...and he's entitled to.
Sex Questions 6-8
"What do I do if I mess around with a guy and then he hightails it out of my place at 5am?"
He's probably not going to own up to feeling awkward or regretting having sex with you, but that's most likely his impetus for leaving, says Josey Vogels, author of Bedside Manners: Sex Etiquette Made Easy. So be wary of excuses that don't quite add up. If he feeds you a line as he's dashing off about having to catch up at work, even though it's before sunrise on Sunday morning, or claims he's pet-sitting for his cousin's dog and has to take it for a walk, you'll probably never lay eyes on the dude again. If he does call, however, he's most likely just in it for the sex, says Vogels, so you'll have to decide if you want to keep him around as a boink buddy or just give him the boot.
"How do I turn down a kinky sexual request that skeeves me out without embarrassing him for bringing it up?"
So your idea of totally off-the-charts erotic doesn't exactly mesh with his. Clashing sex styles don't have to be the death knell of your erotic adventures with each other. "Make him feel okay about sharing his fantasy by saying something like, 'It's great that you feel comfortable enough with me to bring that up, but it's really not my thing,' " says Vogels. Once you've made it clear that you aren't interested without making him feel like a superfreak, divert his attention to something that curls your toes and the weird moment will soon be forgotten.
"Is it okay to run to the bathroom after sex to pee or clean up? How long should I wait?"
You may feel compelled to hit the loo as soon as you've finished getting your groove on because you've heard that it's best to pee after sex to avoid getting a UTI, but a lot of guys find it disturbing when you jump off of them like they're the sinking Titanic. So lie back and relax for a few minutes of postcoital cuddling, because you actually have a 30-minute window to pee, according to Jeffrey Klausner, M.D., director of STD Prevention and Control at the San Francisco Department of Public Health.
If a half hour of snuggling is not your thing, wait five or 10 minutes, then pop into the bathroom for a moment to do whatever you need to do. Just don't disappear for eons or dive into the shower for a full-body exfoliation and lather...at least not without inviting him in to soap you up.
Booty-Call Protocol
If you're going to indulge in no-strings-attached nooky, you'd be wise to follow a few rules.
Booty-Call Rule 1: Once a month is enough. When you suggest meeting up more than once every few weeks or so, it will come across as more of an obligation than a friends-with-benefits thing.
Booty-Call Rule 2: Avoid the redial button. If he doesn't answer or call back after you make the first attempt, don't keep hitting redial. He could be sleeping or spending time with someone else...and you're not allowed to mind.
Booty-Call Rule 3: Don't overstay your welcome (or let him overstay his). Sleeping over or brunching can feel awkward when you're just shagging. Stay within your boundaries by skipping the couple-y stuff.
Booty-Call Rule 4: Be honest with yourself. It can be emotionally taxing to have uncommitted sex, so once in a while, have a truthful talk with yourself to make sure you're still okay (really) with the casual encounters.
1 comment:
As the author of this work, I'm wondering what you are going to pay me for using it. Right now, you are breaching copyright law by posting this.
Lola Augustine Brown
Post a Comment