Pete McPhail
NO POLICE
Not because they are fascist agents of oppression, maaaaan, but because they always show at least one police officer dancing on the news and it is always utterly excruciating.
PROPOSED TOURIST PENS
Tourists are so annoying as they stand around getting in your way and looking at maps and saying, "Where Ladbroke Grove pleeeese?" when they’re standing in it. I propose the sensible solution of herding them into giant pens, where they can dance and eat ethnic food to their hearts’ content.
BAN WHITE PEOPLE DANCING TO RAGGA
Ever seen a pasty person in unpleasant shorts attempting to bogle their way into the heart of a proper dancehall queen? You will at Carnival, and by Christ, you will share the embarrassment.
HOLD IT SOMEWHERE ELSE
Don’t you think that Notting Hill is getting a little small for the mass gathering? And it’s even worse now that the god-awful film bearing the name of our area has charmed Americans into coming over en masse to get involved. Our solution: hold it on the M25. The parade will find it a lot easier.
CANNED RUM PUNCH
The variable quality of rum punch is one of the banes of any good Carnival-goer. You just don’t know what you’re going to get until you’ve got it, as with drugs, which rum punch effectively is anyway. So we say: appoint three very old Tobagan gentlemen to go to Schweppes and advise them how to make it, and then can it. Good news for the hard alcoholic punter.
SEXUAL SEGREGATION
At any mass revel such as Carnival, sex will inevitably rear its ugly head, and unpleasant scenes are bound to follow, as is always the way with sex. The most sensible solution is to have separate carnivals - one for the men, and one for the ladies. Then we can all meet up later and swap stories.
NO CHILDREN’S DAY
What’s the point? It’s a waste of a day! How can children appreciate the finer points of Carnival - rum punch, women in tiny pearly thongs, coma-inducing ganja, unpleasantly deep bass frequencies - at their young age? Carnival should be kiddy-free! Make Holland Park into a giant crèche and dump ’em there.
MINIMUM PARADE SPEED OF 60MPH
Not only would the congestion of the streets take up much less time, but crowds would be able to watch the hilarious spectacle of youth club breakdancers attempting to bust a tricky windmill while simultaneously trying not to be thrown off a speeding vehicle. I’d PAY to see that!
HAVE IT IN JANUARY
Yeaaah! Separate the hardcore party-goers from the lightweights and the dilettantes! Hold it in the most arctic conditions that our land has to offer. This means that a) it will get everyone dancing that much quicker, b) curried goat and rum punch salesmen will make more money and c) Brazilian chicks in thongs will need warming up. I volunteer!
By Pete McPhail, MyVillage 14th August Sphere: Related Content
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